Appalled at hypocrisy

Today is yet another farewell held for a former boss. It was very strange that while everyone in that room actually disliked her and was relieved to see her go people made a show of "missing" her so much so that it became quite appalling to me. Because I know exactly what these people are saying behind her back. I don't understand that kind of hypocrisy. It makes me realize how little I know people. I understand that for the sake of decorum it s ok to hold a farewell party but to go overboard and gush how much you love and miss her is kinda sickening. It is so insincere!!!

I was simply furious!

Whoaaa...thank God I still remember the password !
Blogging is so cooooool.... I ve been kidnapped by FB for so long. And suddenly I have an angst n nowhere to write.

Ergo, revisiting this abandoned blog. Noticed that I have been receiving guests from all over the world, you poor susceptible people...!

I am waiting for my transfer to be approved by the new big boss. The current one is freezing all transfers right now. I hate her with a vengeance. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to beg for a job u like and to finally able to bag it n then to be told that transfres r being frozen?

N so am I. Frozen at my workstation. Enough said.

Also I got furious over sthg very touchy. The subject of taking care of my mom. It s funny that I m mad about this and I cant figure out why exactly. I actually felt relieved she was with me at my home and I was glad I could take care of her in her old age. I felt happier and healthier somehow during her stay.

But when my sister keeps trying to unload my mom to me at the flimsiest of excuse when its her turn to do so, I just god MAAAD. Freaking mad. I felt exploited. I felt like making sure my sister knew how I feel. I wanted to teach her a lesson at reponsibility. After all, other members in my family actually dont quite enjoy having my mom at our house coz the responsibility of taking care of her falls on their shoulders as I am away at work most of the time. It s kind of not fair for me to agree to take care of her when I m forcing others to do so on my behalf.

The last semester break there was a ruckus over a shortage of room and my daughter is coming home again, a very happy occassion for me, but somehow overcame by my anxiety over Opah's suddenly being left at our door step by my sis. Plans had to be cancelled etc. I , myself, dont really mind but the others do. So, what to do???

The thing is, I kind of like seeing my mom pottering abt the place. It made me feel responsible, it made me feel like I was doing the right thing. It was like I was making amends for not calling or visiting or basically not being a dutiful daughter.

So, why am I so angry and saying NO, NO, NO to my sister's suggestion of sending my mom to my house everytime my mom feels bored at her house?

Becauseee...well, my mom will be bound to feel bored and lonely coz my sister always leave her behind to frequent malls and movies. So, my mom will always be dropped off to my place. Which, really , is not fair to the kids, the actual caretakers here.

But me, being bitter and angry I just told my sister off with so many things that I ve dredged from the past.

But in a way, I m glad because I ve always wanted her to know how I feel. My sister is clearly taking advantage of my family's commitment to taking care of my mom. The reason why she liked being with us was because we made sure somebody was always home to be with her. But it also meant that we had to cancel or postpone family events coz my mom is too frail to join. The point is, we postponed events hoping that when it comes to mys siter's turn, we could do it but the most infuriating thing was that my sister would bring her back after a day or two! My sister's excuse is that my mom was feeling bored.

I somehow feel that my sister designs it that way so that when my mom comes to my house, she would travel with her family. Her FB posts will be full of doing this n that n travelling here n there. Hah! Come to thing of that I m so sure she does that! The conniving fat b&%$#@!!!

And she has the cheek to tell me that I should be patient coz it wont be for long and giving all kinds of religious advice on how I should love n care for my mom! As if!

It s gud that I actually told her one simple solution to ensure my mom not to feel lonely is to do wat my family does wen we take care of my mom: stay home, postpone or cancel plans n for my sister it wud mean, missing her daily visits to malls, watching stupid malay drama at the cinema or her ikea weekly pilgrimage. And see how mad she will become if someone cheats on her turn to do so!

On the other hand, I m thinking of my poor mom...it s not that I dont want u Chik, I m teaching your other daughter a lesson. She is too spoilt and of course, it's your fault :p

Kota kinabalu n me

The lobby smelled heavenly of hundreds of white- greenish lilies. It was a big change from the smell of damp carpets from the previous hotel. The receptionist ushered me to the lounge cafe and placed an iced lemon tea and asked for my documents for checking in. Woww...that is friendly. I d say this is the best welcome I ve had after so long! It used to be that before I turned down the bed, Hyatt staff would come out from nowhere ( which was freaky) and placed a good night chocolate on my pillow with a stalk of deep red velvety fresh rose.
The service has deteriorated everywhere eversince the 97-98 financial crisis when every hotel decides that hey suckers you are paying a whole month grocery per night and we are keeping all of it for ourselves from now on, thank you. Oh, wait, except for JW Marriot In KL which actually washed my car . Maybe its astonishing appearance (or lack of it) was adversely affecting the (dis)repute of its clientele base. Nevertheless, I was pleased that they even took away my daughter’s panties ( then 5 yr old) whom she dislodged indiscreetly at the backseat and had been used jauntily and provocatively as a decoration for the rear window all the way from Kerteh to KL.
Bleary and puffy eyed , I headed to the engineering forum and thank God, after the first day , I actually began to understand what they were talking about. The lecture given by some Phil on some new implement was quite interesting ; something about a hard rod called a stroker that apparently could penetrate the hole in a downward motion and the spiralling head would actually enlarge the nipple...Hmmm..LOLLLL!. These jargons, are, of course the works of drilling engineers that have spent too many days on offshore remote oil platforms.
And talk about a bunch of people who won’t be impressed by a magician act! He was swaying some table off the floor while holding to the edges of the small table cloth. He did not receive even a clap for that one. Obviously everyone thought he must be holding some small wire somewhere similar to the ones that had been discussed at length ( literally) all day long.
The highlight of my trip is of course meeting my old school buddies that have magically not aged since I last saw them hmmm, in 1735. Upon bidding farewell I got almost anxious, thinking that, most possibly that i would never ever see these people again. And that is what I always think of well, dead people. Sorry that I word it this way, but similarly i never get to see them either. To think that if someone that is dear to me whom has died but somehow has been resurrected somewhere down in Perlis, I d think I would speed off to Arau or Jejawi or whatnot immediately at all cost. But that also would depend on the state of the body decomposition, of course. If it was very severe, i’d say there would not be enough land in the country for me to run away from!
The most amazing thing is that these friends remembered things that I did or things that I said that I would not imagine i ever would remember! It’s really interesting that they both remember me as this one happy go lucky laughing person when I always pictured myself as a loner. Eh, that was in college lah, come to think of it. The thing is that friends remember me in a certain way and it is damn perplexing somehow.
After the longgg chit chat with one of them today,( the loveliest person I have ever met in my life), I found myself a local spa. A thin Chinese man came out to give me a leaflet and I was so taken aback by his gold earring and decided that maybe this guy was more a pimp than a marketing arm and quite possibly he thought I was applying for some vacancy in his establishment. I retreated hastily and bought tons of food as the 5 star hotel I m staying in only sells things on the menu written of sthg like these: You are screwed, the nearest eatery is forty miles away therefore the cost of this mee goring mamak is going to be equivalent of one Gucci handbag ( ok, at least a fake one).
Like Carrie in the sex in the city, I also would like to sum up some words of wisdom from my short stint in KK.
1. Downtown KK smells like fish ( this is not a wisdom thingy but a fact)
2. The resort part of the sutra place should have tons of lilies in the lobby. Instead it was so dark and ghostly no one could pay me enough for me to stay there!
3. The business wing of the hotel should have a bidet, a praying mat, a praying time table, and we business ppl are normally impressed with gadgets, so that old tv should go . Coz it makes me feel that you are a poor hotel with poor management (Which is so sad especially when you have that nice vision and mission statements on your door cards)
4. Offer wireless internet for free because businessmen are normally tired men who surf porn.
5. Oh, don t give me some sweet candy when you come to repair the cold shower and that chocolatey watery gunk that come out from the bathroom faucet, I m diabetic!
6. And yes, I checked, there was no two way mirror n i walked naked freely in the room but the thought that I might die suddenly made me put on my clothes quite fast.
7. Oh yes, I got a five star treatment from my colleagues in KK n felt weird being placed at the head table as in the HQ , managers like me is in the thousands and I think ( the wisdom part) I should not get used to be respected so much and having such hi standards as whatever fringe benefits I have will be taken away once I m retired. On the other hand, I might as well enjoy them coz I may not last till retirement to agonize about it.
8. And after some shithead was rude to me I realize that it is awful not to be respected, so guys, pls treat ppl respectfully ( unless they are paedophiles, and murderers and the likes). Otherwise, you will have dozens of people tirelessly plotting on how to get back at you ( like what I have been seriously thinking these last few days).
9. Also, real kindness is the one given when the giver cannot afford to be kind as it is easy to be beneficient and loving while you are rich but would you let me eat half of your hagen dasz when it cost a bomb for that miserable cup?( How much would a bomb cost?)
Ok hanging on guys at home. I m coming home and I will have some body massage in Miri. Ciao!

Goodness

I ve come to this page so many times but I have nothing to write! Grrrr...wats wrong with me. I ve become a voyeur of other ppl's blogs I d rather read those than write my own!

Illogical

Actually I am not a supporter of anyone it's just that it makes me sad to see if anyone is victimised. One colleague rightfully commented this fact:
He got sodomised at 2 30 pm on 26th and on 28th he went for check up and got samples of DNA from inside/outside the anus. The question is: Didn'nt he pass any motion during that 2 days? (or take a shower for that matter)

Bravo my friend, you dont have to spend so much money on lawyers for such simple logic.

Missing my children

It's 4 am n I can't sleep. Suddenly i feel as if I have been away from my kids for a very long time. I miss them. I feel like hugging them but hey, u cant wake up teenagers while they are sleeping for a hug... Time has passed so quickly, I have realised that they have been growing on their own and been on their own so much lately.My interaction with them has been limited to doing chores, homework n instructions for this n that.

i have talked to Zarith once in a while but I think I have neglected haniff. being the one in the middle, it seems that I constantly miss out on his life. He went for a swim and his phone was in his pocket. He doesnt show that he s missing it much, unlike his sister whom wud have bawled her eyes out. Now I just realise how much he must be missing it as he uses it to listen to music all the time.

It's easy to just pay attention to the youngest as she is very demanding but I must remind myself to be here for the others too. This sudden realization is bothering me so much so that I cant sleep.

So, my new year resolution is to talk to my kids more often on a deeper and more meaningful level. I miss them even as they are sleeping in their own beds tonight, just a few feet from me.

I love you kids. Wee have been through a lot together....

Notes on Bintulu

i asked the taxi driver, why is bintulu does not seem to be economically developed?by that I mean, why are the movies at the cinema 1 month late. That is a sign of lack of progress to me hehe. Hah, all the money has gone to semenanjung lah, he said. I said, no way, petronas money 60% comes from international operations, no more from Swak la... actually i ve forgotten the facts n figures but i was kinda defensive.....then I wonder whether that remark by taxi driver is a standard accusation drilled down into the heart of many bintulu ppl and maybe it's a very convenient scapegoaty brainwashy thingy for money being diverted elsewhere.

i swear if i ever get rich i will give free land and houses to the slumdwellers living in cardboard plywood houses on the hills to the office. It breaks my heart to see such poverty.see, i shud have been richer coz many more ppl wud benefit kan??kann?? (apart from owning countless shoes like imelda marcos, the goddess of female giddiness n...i wud have held a barbecue at my posh mansion n u all r invited).

wat was i writing again? oh ok, nothing much, more fantasies on being rich n fabulous.Btw I happened to read a good malay book and gosh! now I m intimidated by this writer n I m thinking, no way i m going to write as well as she does!!!! Pheww...i just realize that i owe a lot to corporate nonperformers holding high positions n crappy writers who get their works published coz they ,hmm, the word cant be inspire, maybe ...they sort of makes me think if these unfortunately low iq ppl can do it , someone like me cud do so much better!!!heee heee! i was born in the year of the horse so arrogance n me come together, forgive me God.

Ok i m off to read Tijah at blogspot coz she s funny n i m sort of addicted to her posts.

Just nothing and nothing n nothing much

I have the knack of thinking about sthg inane whenever I have the chance to blog. Like the thoughts I have about drivers who have to open the car door to pay the toll. Invariably the cars are proton of many models and age. Nopes, I m not going to bash proton here anymore, just to say : shame to all proton employees, you make expensive junk.

Anyway, I have taken a liking to a new blog I have stumbled upon, Tijah. She s damn funny la. Oh yeah, the Raya thing. I got a nasty sms from my brother coz I didnt call or wish him anything. I wanted to explain that my toddler wud snatch my phone wenever I wanted to do so but oh well, I dont like explaining myself.

And the food binging during ramadhan kinda spoiled hari raya coz we were so used to good food we no longer appreciate them wen raya arrived.

Oh yeah, I went to my sister's house n saw so many malay romance books that she had bought and I thought, what the heck? I m going to write one myself, that day, that instant and try to sell it to her at least ! hee hee. My attempts at writing novels have been always driven by a sense of jealoousy, yes, ok, I m a scorpio n we have nasty traits ,ok? I mean, so many ppl can write junk and get published, so why not publish my own junk!

Yeahhh...I did that a few years ago as a therapy wen i was in Terengganu ( encouraged by two romance book addicts who somehow felt I could write romance hahaha! hey, that s ironic then, considering my failed first marriage, were they trying to inspire romance in me ?)but my romance novel became a murder mystery n one day wen the pc crashed, and that ended my writing career there n then. After all, I was also beginning a romance of my own!

Anyway, so I have started another one, I mean, a book, hehe , to be done wenever I have time, wic means wen I go on business trips and alone in a hotel room accompanied by some cold room service hotel food.

Hey, wic means I cant be writing this blog! Off to write this book!Muna and Mala, this time I will finish it, I promise!

Write, read, jabbering...

I always considered myself to be a good writer. Hehe now I know I am wrong. I am too lazy to write. I used to read a lot. Now I cannot seem to find a good book. Befriending housewives in Kerteh somehow changed me. Their well kempt gardens, collection of expensive crockery, jewellery and well maintained appearance gave me a rude shock. What was I doing when these ladies were going to spas? Reading. What was I doing when these ladies were gardening? Reading. That was when I dragged myself away from bookstores and started buying shoes for a change. Also handbags. Oops wrong thing to do, I want to live life. Not just read about life. Ergo, less reading , less writing but still jabbering away to my entrepreneurs as if I have lived life! Hahaha!Cant shake off this habit of telling people what to do!!!

Do I have the time to say i love you.....

I remember her very well. She was bustling around in her office and greeted us all in a breathless and cheerful way she always did as we came in. Aahh…you worry too much, she exclaimed after we told her that Ely had not passed any motion for the past few days. I was feeling slightly embarrassed as the last time we went to see her, it was about Ely’s purging for a few days. It was either this or that, but all involving bowel movement. I was also noting her quaint English accent and was distracted by that rather by the content of her speech.

She asked us to lay Ely on the day bed and she began massaging Ely’s tummy. Hmm… then she proceeded to open up Ely’s diaper and to both Talat’s and my chagrin, simply inserted her middle finger into Ely’s behind! Voila, that did it. Immediately after coming out of the doctor’s office, Ely pooped.

The memory would have been comical had it not been that the doctor was Dr. Haliza. Yes, the one who was found dead in the ravine. I pray to God that she did not suffer before she died.

What can I say, a few months ago, one of my former colleagues passed away. We were not particularly close. Our paths crossed in the corporate structure once and since then we had gone into separate direction for the last 9 years. He died one day after playing golf.

It startled me.

Because it began to strike me that these two people whom were going about their lives with no hint of facing death. No terminal cancer, no advancing old age…just two people going about doing things they had been doing the day before. Strikingly just like me.

Today could have been my last day on earth and I would not even know it. Would it be a day when I gripe about things in the office? Scolding my kids over house chores? Leaving my hubby without a goodbye kiss? Sulking still with my siblings for their past misdeeds? Been meaning to thank all my close friends but hasn’t got down to doing something for them? Not telling my mom how much I love her? Petty..petty..petty…Will people even remember me when I am gone?

Hence, this realization. That I must fill my today with everything meaningful and beautiful. InshaAllah…Hmm… I will go now and buy a few thank you cards for everyone! I will risk being told of buang tebiat…hehe!Ciao!

My every day

If

If today was to be my last day
would you forgive me of my
yesterdays
and would your thoughts of me
be those of love and warmth
as much as mine of you?

If today has passed
I would close my eyes
and think of all the
blessings that God has
bestowed upon us and
all the laughter that we
have shared and the troubles we
have endured

So tomorrow I will start anew
trying to make the best of my every day
so my last thoughts of us
whenever and wherever we may be
of love, happiness and forgiveness
as we tread upon God's earth
by His deliverance and grace.

Reflections 2008

PERFORMANCE TRACKING OVERDRIVE

AYAM PERCIK


AYAM RENJIS


These are things I want to say to:

Laksa Shack:

LAKSAM ORI


I wanted to have Laksam badly and bought 1 bowl from your shack. Mannnnnn it’s super AWFUL. I know business wise you are doing all fine, kudos for you, gal. I ve read about your small shack under the tree story until you have all these shacks. But still, don’t you want to be BETTER???. Let me help you with some improvement ideas:

1. When you make the batter for the laksam noodle, add really hot water to the batter. It will improve the texture and make it firmer and not doughy like what you have now.
2. When you prepare the ulam, don’t use the grater eventhough it’s faster and more convenient than using a knife because the ulam has lost its crunchiness and have become limp sorry excuse of cucumber and ulam thingies.
3. And…what is a laksam without the must haves like daun kesom and bunga kantan?????



Ayam Percik stalls:

Ok guys who sell all these seemingly lovely looking barbecued chickens by the roadside , at Pasar Malam etc. May I suggest two options:
1. Change the recipe- Can you just stop maligning the name of Ayam percik by bestowing the same name to really tasteless pieces of meat ??? Tell you what, please browse for the original Ayam Percik, I m sure the sale will be increased. It’s soooo simple. Heck, even I can tell you how to cook it. I have refrained myself from handing over the recipe to a few stall owners in the past, but what the heck, I will risk being seen as an eccentric woman and will , I swear, go around KL distributing the recipe for free. Hey , better still, I will create Ayam percik.com and sell it worldwide. Hee hee.
2. Change the name-But if you insist, why don’t you just call your chickens Ayam Renjis instead???? Yeahh, yeahh… that will be ok for me. At least I will definitely steer away from your stall!

By the way, one last thing,
Proton- My advice is as follows:

1. Market growth-
skewed focus. It is well known that the quality of their cars for exports are better than the ones sold locally. They should seek the reasons why they want to go overseas in the first place. Get real, why would a European or Australian want to drive a Proton from a third world country when they have a range of other cars to choose from? If you can’t get even your own countrymen to buy Proton, would others be persuaded to?

2. What they should do;
a. Technical - increase the technical credibility of their products.
b. Quality-since they also source components locally ( the main culprit for shoddy performance) the monitoring of the local vendors’ performance should be done systematically with consequence management in place.
c. Market focus- get real mannn, just sell functional cars at cheap price. You don’t have competitive advantage. Either sell cheap or make your cars really strange like Juara. Btw, I actually have seen 2 juara on the road in my lifetime. Is’nt that amazing??? Oh yes, btw, forget selling to all those mat sallehs, convince us to buy Proton the second time first!
d. Strategic planning to be conducted by Proton’s top management on an annual basis. Even if you already have it, it’s clearly incorrectly done. I can facilitate your sessions for free, man!!!!!
e. Intelligent leadership- since I don’t mince words, I will say to you straight. Change the management of Proton groupwide with intelligent people at once. And I mean AT ONCE.

Wowww Tak da ideanyaaa

I m still away from home huwaaa... It's amazing that last week I was so full of ideas and copiously wrote that working paper for some ministry n now I cant even write a decent summary of an articleeeeeeee!!!!
Maybe I should rest lah.

Kuantan was a good break n as always, I missed the beaches. But after the third day, everyone was eager to get back home. I was contemplating finding a job in Kuantan. I want to be able to afford a bigger house and a shorter distance to beautiful places...sigh..

Anyway, nowadays I am quite hooked to Facebook, which has made me stationed at the laptop more often than usual.

Hm, now the school days start again. Zarith is somehow feeling dissatisfied at getting 7 As and not straight As as many of her friends did. She had registered herself and her brothers to the tuition centre herself yesterday, vowing to herself that she would do extremely well for SPM . When I went to buy Haniff his schoolpants, the shopgirl was asking abt Zarith's whereabout who used to buy clothes for her siblings, many times before. Secretly I harbour some guilt, for taking her out of boarding school. If she had stayed there, she would have gotten better results. Being at home, she had more distractions than she would otherwise would have as compared to being being secluded in a regulated environment.After her major surgery last year, she slowed down a lot and I didnt have the heart to pressure her. Before her results came out she asked me if I would be disappointed if she didnt get 8 As and I told her all that was in my heart.


That she had been the most responsible daughter one could ever have, that she is able to be close to her siblings and her parents in her formative years, that she s developing a very close bond to all of us, that I would be able to counsel her in so many areas. Those are the things that I want her to have when i took her out of boarding school. I have always been proud of her. She has been the tower of strength in my hours of difficulties... To me she is the most wonderful daughter one could ever have. Even when she becomes grumpy n revert to being a child as what she really is.

Often when I lay sick in a hospital bed, I was thinking about my mom or my siblings who never visited me. I was sure that if all of us had somehow grown up together and not sent off to boarding schools at 12, I would have some concerned brother and sisters by my bedside.My mom would somehow miss me and vice versa. I am very conscious of not ever missing my family and always putting roots at any new place I would call a home. I wondered if I would have made better decisions concerning my life if my parents were around. I wondered if my life would have turned out differently. I wondered if I would have become a better sister, a better daughter if I had stayed home. Sigh.. I just hope that my decision concerning Zarith has been a the right one.

It's time to cook lunch. Even blogging is a nice break. :)!!! Happy new year everyone. I made a resolution even before new year, actually. To make the best of my every day and to remember that every journey is a series of short distances....

Reminiscing school days

I brought Zarith to Concorde today just to meet my old friends from hi school. But mind you, we are certainly not old. It's a welcome respite and a good beginning for my year end holiday. And now at last I can sit down and write something..yeyyyyy...

Basically these were the people who shared the same misery with me in high school. Apparently their memories were better than mine, all I could remember were the many tribulations I had to endure, like evading school prefects' detection by hiding in lockers ( we were so determined not to go to afternoon preps), also horrendous toilets ( it's a recurring nightmare for me, seriously), raiding the school lab for some obscure reason and of course, really bad food.

While enduring all these, those who academically scored less than us got to watch tv and eat good home cooked meals. You have to admit, there is some irony there.

Nevertheless, good memories we do have.Maybe of the chickens we had to ceremoniously cut during Friday formal dinners ( flying chickens, we called them. Self explanatory), maybe of the many teachers we did harrass to tears, maybe of the many parties we had ( playing spirit of the coin in between classes), the endearing terminology we had for everyday life stuff..the many hantu stories we related to each other. Ah its time to sleep now...

Elly

Sunday at the office

I found myself having half an hour for breakfast and I stopped at Hoca's KLCC for coffee and ommellet. I read a newspaper. It reminded me of Kak yah s cafe in Kerteh where I would spend my friday mornings before going for pasar Tani. Her miniscule roti canai had the appeal of a paper napkin, in look and in taste. But there was the fresh sea air and the feeling of calm. While at Hoca's though, Wham's ( yes, George and Andy) Reflex was being played on the radio at the neighbouring Nando's and gave me a terrible headache.

So I left much of my breakfast n headed to office. Trying to work on a Sunday in a semi darkness with no airconditioning. Urghhhh...where is Belle, my exec who s sposed to accompany me with assignment today??? I desperately want to share my misery!

After reading Kak Puteri's many hantu blogs, I also feel a bit spooked as sometimes the printer in my office starts printing during maghrib when I knew that I was alone and man, I haven't been printing anything...

I had been busy these past couple of weeks. Drove to the east coast to meet my millionaire vendors and cracking my brain on how to make them even more successful.

Hey, Belle is here! Yoo hooo...back to work n she got the aircond started up by security!!!

Movie analysis

I ve been watching a few quality movies over Astro in the last couple of weeks. Most noteworthy is a series of zombie movies (hehe). The list begins with ,
1- Zombi kampung Pisang- caused by chemical spillage,
2- 28 weeks- caused by anger virus
3- The swarm- caused by military mutated wasps
4- I am legend- caused by some virus

These movies generally involve human eating zombies.My analysis is as follows ( had I were required to submit a feedback on these movies to my boss, these highly profound observations would be it) :-

1- Why don't these zombies eat one another? Why do they have to eat those who are still not infected?
2- Why is their diet not agro-based? Such as plants, grass and tree barks. In fact it would be quite interesting to see if zombies develop a liking towards eating stones for example, or sand or whatever.
3- Why do zombies develop only a desire to kill people? For suspense and thrill, I can think of a thousand alternatives but all of them escape my mind right now, so I cant (and won't) give any examples.

The conclusion is: I shall change the channel to 108 and will give another analysis of extremely incredible hindi movies I watch on Zee soon. :P

Slightly disturbed...

Zarith, Elly & Danial at ramadhan buffet.
“Mom, do you know remember the friend that I introduced you to, a few days ago? ”Yes, I remember, a girl who was going to submit her application to a boarding school despite the deadline. I met her when I went to my daughter’s school to sort out some problem with regards to her PMR exam. “She is going through what we went through before…”

Hmm…the father threw out his wife and kids in the middle of the night. The night before the daughter was going to sit for her PMR trial exam. They went out with just the clothes on their back. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, etc etc etc. Same old story. It’s been going on for years. Since the kids were small. It was not the first time but this time, the wife found a house elsewhere and the kids threatened to run away if she went back to their father again. Apparently he called and apologized.

But I hate recalling past events. It still affects me. It just makes me angry. Not at her husband but at her specifically. It takes courage to decide to leave. I did leave. I have made it. Her limitations are all in her mind. I had a lot of money but I felt poor. I was young and pretty, but I felt old and ugly. I was a good wife but nothing I did was enough. I blamed God when I should blame myself. God has given me brains, I didn’t use it. I fell hook line and sinker that a marriage should last forever, even if it killed me. I didn’t die for seven years, I didn’t live either. I woke up to find that I was alone with a baby and two toddlers, feeling like I had squandered my life away. I meant to conquer the world, travel, read books, learn new languages, had an exciting job, finally finish my doctorate. What happened to my dreams? What had happened to me?

Start over. It was liberating. I re-discovered myself. I found out that I am made of iron and mush. I ve changed some, I ve retained some. Look me in the eye, and you see that I am back to being happy. I climbed out from a horror house. I haven’t merely survived, I have triumphed in many ways.


It’s lack of self worthiness that makes many women demand less and less. Their expectations go lower and lower each day until they become nothing and meaningless to their husbands. They have lost their self respect. They deserve what they get ( or don’t get). They say it is Islam. Islam wants them to make that sacrifice. Make your husbands happy. Put their interests first before self. And marriage takes a lot of work to make it work

I have made a decision that I deserve respect and love and dignity. My life is precious . I say that what is not fair is not Islamic. My life , my feelings are just as important as the husband’s. I will fight for what I want even if it means I may hurt his feelings by expressing what I want. If he loves me enough he will understand. If it takes too much work to make a marriage work, I will say clearly that there should not be a marriage. End it. Don’t be stupid. As simple as that. Decide.

An experiment in self fulfilling prophecy..

Once I had a clerk who nobody wanted. He was a despatch guy promoted to be a clerk. He had a ponytail, looked and behaved like a teenager more at home riding a bike in the streets of KL. There were rumours he cheated on his overtime card and the boss wanted to get rid of him. He referred to himself as “gua” and to other people “lu”. Heck, he was not Chinese. That was just how young people talked in those days.

There was a reorganization, I was shorthanded and naturally, people gave him to me. I was not that worried, the bulk of my work could not be delegated anyway. But wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable staff? I thought. I could not complain because my executive was a delight. A fresh graduate who could act and think as well as a person who has been working for 7 years. She majored in economics from the Uni of London. She later was promoted every year after I left for Kerteh and now she holds a higher position than I do ( heck, that’s not necessary, everyone has higher position than I do!)

I sat down one day with him and got to know him. He was actually an interesting specimen to me. For the life of me, I had never encountered anyone like him. He came from a modest family, living with his parents in a KL flat. He had a quick way of talking and exuded an active personality. He would look at me , eyes wide, pleasant features and always grinning. Despite the rumours, I somehow thought he was an earnest and straight talking guy. After getting him to introduce himself, I began cautiously.

“ J, I m so glad to have you . I feel so excited with our new department. It’s like starting over. New boss new staff. I know Ms N didn’t like you , but hey, I don’t think she likes anyone! But still, with me you have a fresh new start.”I began, “Our dept is really important. All the products that the company produce, they ask us what is the best price for them to sell. Isn’t that incredible?”
“Yes, you are right, that ‘s an important job.”
“Yeah, that s why we should be proud to be in this department. In fact people who want to join, they have to take IQ test nowadays!”
We looked around us and true enough, that was a very select group of people that surrounded us.
“Did anyone ever give you a hard time, J?”
“Nahh…they are all nice people. Not snobbish at all.”he replied.
“Yeahh…I think so too. We are in the same division, we are a part of them. We are traders, analysts, specialists and whatnots. And you are not a clerk, remember that. You are my assistant price analyst.”
He looked visibly pleased. I was warming up to this artful manipulation.
“You know the reports you generate from the international price syndicates? Do you know who get it first?”
He was thinking hard. “You do!” he said triumphantly.

I shook my head.”Nahh..it’s you” .
In those days we had to have worldwide prices wired to us daily and somebody has to fetch the printouts, compile them for further review, analysis and final report to the president. He was really the first to read the prices.

He looked as if he had received some great revelation. I was quite enjoying myself. Ahhhh… so great…will this work?? Will it?

I talked a little bit more about how most of us were experts in our fields and it was almost as if he had been in a college. He could learn from everyone and, why, I was even a college lecturer ( for 3 months) before joining this company!

“There’s one thing I want you to do though, J.” I said finally, trying hard not to stretch his attention span.” I would be so pleased if you could have a good haircut and wear your tie. Is that ok with you?”

Next day he came looking like a million dollars. Gone was his pony tail and he wore a tie. He gradually lost his lu gua nomenclature and even during his off days he would come to the office and make sure that the price analysis be delivered onto my desk by 8 am. He went on to be the most sought after executive assistance until today…..Yeah…It works. Self fulfilling prophecy works. Many times.:) and I love it!!!!!!!!!