SELF DELUSIONAL

It’s been interesting to note that many people do suffer from self delusions. Time and time again, I recall one of my interesting classes in college. If I am not mistaken it is a Psychology class. There are three overlapping circles. The first circle is what a person defines and perceives himself to be, the other circle is what other people perceives this person to be and the last circle is what he, himself thinks other people think of him. The overlapping portion of the 3 circles embodies who one really is.

Of course, this is quite debatable. But still, it does make a lot of sense sometimes. I find myself checking once in a while if what I think I am is expressed in the way I act. I used to say that your life is like a book, you do not want to be a villain in your own life story. After a few years of soul searching and contemplation, I have coined another term for those who actually believe in this half baked philosophy. You can also have a debilitating “Heroine Syndrome” which makes you try to be the kindest, fairest, the most understanding, “don’t do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you” , the most honourable, the most polite, the most loving, the most generous etc. etc etc.

Evidently this grandiose notion would result in the so called heroine transforming herself into being “naïve”, a “pushover”, a “prude”, a”goody too shoes”, “self positioned pedestal inhabitant”, gullible, lurus-bendul etc. The impact being massive exploitation by almost everyone , encounters with many sob stories belonging to those with depleted bank accounts, especially vulnerable was about those who had some grouses with their spouses resulting from an incredible amount of empathy due to similar pathetic victimized life story.

So, if once I had trained myself to be quite contrary to my natural stinging instincts ( I am a true scorpio), I have already reverted back to my own true self. That means , if you kacau me, I will sting you very fast. Hehehe. As such, my new adage would be, Just don’t be a self deluded fool in your own life story.

I blame all these to reading a lot of religious books without proper guidance where one is always almost told to behave accordingly as a deen. Also being raised by boarding school wardens who never said anything to you in the whole of five years. . After a few years being counseled to be generous , I have been laughed at by the same person, who was one of the most trusted family member that I was foolish to have given my money away to people ( at her advice). I have not stopped crying inside since the last three years she said that. It’s hard to forgive and its hard to forget.

Ok lah, I am bitter, but trying not to be. In fact, fighting hard to be. After my divorce true colors of my own family reveal themselves, like a messy gaugauin masterpiece. It is also frightening that during this healing process any slight reminder of the many traits I had encountered before would trigger a lot of emotional backlash. Am I learning from my past mistakes or am I punishing the wrong people?
Btw, this is the beach near my dreamhouse in kerteh. I misssssssss it.