Missing my children

It's 4 am n I can't sleep. Suddenly i feel as if I have been away from my kids for a very long time. I miss them. I feel like hugging them but hey, u cant wake up teenagers while they are sleeping for a hug... Time has passed so quickly, I have realised that they have been growing on their own and been on their own so much lately.My interaction with them has been limited to doing chores, homework n instructions for this n that.

i have talked to Zarith once in a while but I think I have neglected haniff. being the one in the middle, it seems that I constantly miss out on his life. He went for a swim and his phone was in his pocket. He doesnt show that he s missing it much, unlike his sister whom wud have bawled her eyes out. Now I just realise how much he must be missing it as he uses it to listen to music all the time.

It's easy to just pay attention to the youngest as she is very demanding but I must remind myself to be here for the others too. This sudden realization is bothering me so much so that I cant sleep.

So, my new year resolution is to talk to my kids more often on a deeper and more meaningful level. I miss them even as they are sleeping in their own beds tonight, just a few feet from me.

I love you kids. Wee have been through a lot together....

Notes on Bintulu

i asked the taxi driver, why is bintulu does not seem to be economically developed?by that I mean, why are the movies at the cinema 1 month late. That is a sign of lack of progress to me hehe. Hah, all the money has gone to semenanjung lah, he said. I said, no way, petronas money 60% comes from international operations, no more from Swak la... actually i ve forgotten the facts n figures but i was kinda defensive.....then I wonder whether that remark by taxi driver is a standard accusation drilled down into the heart of many bintulu ppl and maybe it's a very convenient scapegoaty brainwashy thingy for money being diverted elsewhere.

i swear if i ever get rich i will give free land and houses to the slumdwellers living in cardboard plywood houses on the hills to the office. It breaks my heart to see such poverty.see, i shud have been richer coz many more ppl wud benefit kan??kann?? (apart from owning countless shoes like imelda marcos, the goddess of female giddiness n...i wud have held a barbecue at my posh mansion n u all r invited).

wat was i writing again? oh ok, nothing much, more fantasies on being rich n fabulous.Btw I happened to read a good malay book and gosh! now I m intimidated by this writer n I m thinking, no way i m going to write as well as she does!!!! Pheww...i just realize that i owe a lot to corporate nonperformers holding high positions n crappy writers who get their works published coz they ,hmm, the word cant be inspire, maybe ...they sort of makes me think if these unfortunately low iq ppl can do it , someone like me cud do so much better!!!heee heee! i was born in the year of the horse so arrogance n me come together, forgive me God.

Ok i m off to read Tijah at blogspot coz she s funny n i m sort of addicted to her posts.

Just nothing and nothing n nothing much

I have the knack of thinking about sthg inane whenever I have the chance to blog. Like the thoughts I have about drivers who have to open the car door to pay the toll. Invariably the cars are proton of many models and age. Nopes, I m not going to bash proton here anymore, just to say : shame to all proton employees, you make expensive junk.

Anyway, I have taken a liking to a new blog I have stumbled upon, Tijah. She s damn funny la. Oh yeah, the Raya thing. I got a nasty sms from my brother coz I didnt call or wish him anything. I wanted to explain that my toddler wud snatch my phone wenever I wanted to do so but oh well, I dont like explaining myself.

And the food binging during ramadhan kinda spoiled hari raya coz we were so used to good food we no longer appreciate them wen raya arrived.

Oh yeah, I went to my sister's house n saw so many malay romance books that she had bought and I thought, what the heck? I m going to write one myself, that day, that instant and try to sell it to her at least ! hee hee. My attempts at writing novels have been always driven by a sense of jealoousy, yes, ok, I m a scorpio n we have nasty traits ,ok? I mean, so many ppl can write junk and get published, so why not publish my own junk!

Yeahhh...I did that a few years ago as a therapy wen i was in Terengganu ( encouraged by two romance book addicts who somehow felt I could write romance hahaha! hey, that s ironic then, considering my failed first marriage, were they trying to inspire romance in me ?)but my romance novel became a murder mystery n one day wen the pc crashed, and that ended my writing career there n then. After all, I was also beginning a romance of my own!

Anyway, so I have started another one, I mean, a book, hehe , to be done wenever I have time, wic means wen I go on business trips and alone in a hotel room accompanied by some cold room service hotel food.

Hey, wic means I cant be writing this blog! Off to write this book!Muna and Mala, this time I will finish it, I promise!

Write, read, jabbering...

I always considered myself to be a good writer. Hehe now I know I am wrong. I am too lazy to write. I used to read a lot. Now I cannot seem to find a good book. Befriending housewives in Kerteh somehow changed me. Their well kempt gardens, collection of expensive crockery, jewellery and well maintained appearance gave me a rude shock. What was I doing when these ladies were going to spas? Reading. What was I doing when these ladies were gardening? Reading. That was when I dragged myself away from bookstores and started buying shoes for a change. Also handbags. Oops wrong thing to do, I want to live life. Not just read about life. Ergo, less reading , less writing but still jabbering away to my entrepreneurs as if I have lived life! Hahaha!Cant shake off this habit of telling people what to do!!!

Do I have the time to say i love you.....

I remember her very well. She was bustling around in her office and greeted us all in a breathless and cheerful way she always did as we came in. Aahh…you worry too much, she exclaimed after we told her that Ely had not passed any motion for the past few days. I was feeling slightly embarrassed as the last time we went to see her, it was about Ely’s purging for a few days. It was either this or that, but all involving bowel movement. I was also noting her quaint English accent and was distracted by that rather by the content of her speech.

She asked us to lay Ely on the day bed and she began massaging Ely’s tummy. Hmm… then she proceeded to open up Ely’s diaper and to both Talat’s and my chagrin, simply inserted her middle finger into Ely’s behind! Voila, that did it. Immediately after coming out of the doctor’s office, Ely pooped.

The memory would have been comical had it not been that the doctor was Dr. Haliza. Yes, the one who was found dead in the ravine. I pray to God that she did not suffer before she died.

What can I say, a few months ago, one of my former colleagues passed away. We were not particularly close. Our paths crossed in the corporate structure once and since then we had gone into separate direction for the last 9 years. He died one day after playing golf.

It startled me.

Because it began to strike me that these two people whom were going about their lives with no hint of facing death. No terminal cancer, no advancing old age…just two people going about doing things they had been doing the day before. Strikingly just like me.

Today could have been my last day on earth and I would not even know it. Would it be a day when I gripe about things in the office? Scolding my kids over house chores? Leaving my hubby without a goodbye kiss? Sulking still with my siblings for their past misdeeds? Been meaning to thank all my close friends but hasn’t got down to doing something for them? Not telling my mom how much I love her? Petty..petty..petty…Will people even remember me when I am gone?

Hence, this realization. That I must fill my today with everything meaningful and beautiful. InshaAllah…Hmm… I will go now and buy a few thank you cards for everyone! I will risk being told of buang tebiat…hehe!Ciao!

My every day

If

If today was to be my last day
would you forgive me of my
yesterdays
and would your thoughts of me
be those of love and warmth
as much as mine of you?

If today has passed
I would close my eyes
and think of all the
blessings that God has
bestowed upon us and
all the laughter that we
have shared and the troubles we
have endured

So tomorrow I will start anew
trying to make the best of my every day
so my last thoughts of us
whenever and wherever we may be
of love, happiness and forgiveness
as we tread upon God's earth
by His deliverance and grace.

Reflections 2008

PERFORMANCE TRACKING OVERDRIVE

AYAM PERCIK


AYAM RENJIS


These are things I want to say to:

Laksa Shack:

LAKSAM ORI


I wanted to have Laksam badly and bought 1 bowl from your shack. Mannnnnn it’s super AWFUL. I know business wise you are doing all fine, kudos for you, gal. I ve read about your small shack under the tree story until you have all these shacks. But still, don’t you want to be BETTER???. Let me help you with some improvement ideas:

1. When you make the batter for the laksam noodle, add really hot water to the batter. It will improve the texture and make it firmer and not doughy like what you have now.
2. When you prepare the ulam, don’t use the grater eventhough it’s faster and more convenient than using a knife because the ulam has lost its crunchiness and have become limp sorry excuse of cucumber and ulam thingies.
3. And…what is a laksam without the must haves like daun kesom and bunga kantan?????



Ayam Percik stalls:

Ok guys who sell all these seemingly lovely looking barbecued chickens by the roadside , at Pasar Malam etc. May I suggest two options:
1. Change the recipe- Can you just stop maligning the name of Ayam percik by bestowing the same name to really tasteless pieces of meat ??? Tell you what, please browse for the original Ayam Percik, I m sure the sale will be increased. It’s soooo simple. Heck, even I can tell you how to cook it. I have refrained myself from handing over the recipe to a few stall owners in the past, but what the heck, I will risk being seen as an eccentric woman and will , I swear, go around KL distributing the recipe for free. Hey , better still, I will create Ayam percik.com and sell it worldwide. Hee hee.
2. Change the name-But if you insist, why don’t you just call your chickens Ayam Renjis instead???? Yeahh, yeahh… that will be ok for me. At least I will definitely steer away from your stall!

By the way, one last thing,
Proton- My advice is as follows:

1. Market growth-
skewed focus. It is well known that the quality of their cars for exports are better than the ones sold locally. They should seek the reasons why they want to go overseas in the first place. Get real, why would a European or Australian want to drive a Proton from a third world country when they have a range of other cars to choose from? If you can’t get even your own countrymen to buy Proton, would others be persuaded to?

2. What they should do;
a. Technical - increase the technical credibility of their products.
b. Quality-since they also source components locally ( the main culprit for shoddy performance) the monitoring of the local vendors’ performance should be done systematically with consequence management in place.
c. Market focus- get real mannn, just sell functional cars at cheap price. You don’t have competitive advantage. Either sell cheap or make your cars really strange like Juara. Btw, I actually have seen 2 juara on the road in my lifetime. Is’nt that amazing??? Oh yes, btw, forget selling to all those mat sallehs, convince us to buy Proton the second time first!
d. Strategic planning to be conducted by Proton’s top management on an annual basis. Even if you already have it, it’s clearly incorrectly done. I can facilitate your sessions for free, man!!!!!
e. Intelligent leadership- since I don’t mince words, I will say to you straight. Change the management of Proton groupwide with intelligent people at once. And I mean AT ONCE.

Wowww Tak da ideanyaaa

I m still away from home huwaaa... It's amazing that last week I was so full of ideas and copiously wrote that working paper for some ministry n now I cant even write a decent summary of an articleeeeeeee!!!!
Maybe I should rest lah.

Kuantan was a good break n as always, I missed the beaches. But after the third day, everyone was eager to get back home. I was contemplating finding a job in Kuantan. I want to be able to afford a bigger house and a shorter distance to beautiful places...sigh..

Anyway, nowadays I am quite hooked to Facebook, which has made me stationed at the laptop more often than usual.

Hm, now the school days start again. Zarith is somehow feeling dissatisfied at getting 7 As and not straight As as many of her friends did. She had registered herself and her brothers to the tuition centre herself yesterday, vowing to herself that she would do extremely well for SPM . When I went to buy Haniff his schoolpants, the shopgirl was asking abt Zarith's whereabout who used to buy clothes for her siblings, many times before. Secretly I harbour some guilt, for taking her out of boarding school. If she had stayed there, she would have gotten better results. Being at home, she had more distractions than she would otherwise would have as compared to being being secluded in a regulated environment.After her major surgery last year, she slowed down a lot and I didnt have the heart to pressure her. Before her results came out she asked me if I would be disappointed if she didnt get 8 As and I told her all that was in my heart.


That she had been the most responsible daughter one could ever have, that she is able to be close to her siblings and her parents in her formative years, that she s developing a very close bond to all of us, that I would be able to counsel her in so many areas. Those are the things that I want her to have when i took her out of boarding school. I have always been proud of her. She has been the tower of strength in my hours of difficulties... To me she is the most wonderful daughter one could ever have. Even when she becomes grumpy n revert to being a child as what she really is.

Often when I lay sick in a hospital bed, I was thinking about my mom or my siblings who never visited me. I was sure that if all of us had somehow grown up together and not sent off to boarding schools at 12, I would have some concerned brother and sisters by my bedside.My mom would somehow miss me and vice versa. I am very conscious of not ever missing my family and always putting roots at any new place I would call a home. I wondered if I would have made better decisions concerning my life if my parents were around. I wondered if my life would have turned out differently. I wondered if I would have become a better sister, a better daughter if I had stayed home. Sigh.. I just hope that my decision concerning Zarith has been a the right one.

It's time to cook lunch. Even blogging is a nice break. :)!!! Happy new year everyone. I made a resolution even before new year, actually. To make the best of my every day and to remember that every journey is a series of short distances....