Reminiscing school days

I brought Zarith to Concorde today just to meet my old friends from hi school. But mind you, we are certainly not old. It's a welcome respite and a good beginning for my year end holiday. And now at last I can sit down and write something..yeyyyyy...

Basically these were the people who shared the same misery with me in high school. Apparently their memories were better than mine, all I could remember were the many tribulations I had to endure, like evading school prefects' detection by hiding in lockers ( we were so determined not to go to afternoon preps), also horrendous toilets ( it's a recurring nightmare for me, seriously), raiding the school lab for some obscure reason and of course, really bad food.

While enduring all these, those who academically scored less than us got to watch tv and eat good home cooked meals. You have to admit, there is some irony there.

Nevertheless, good memories we do have.Maybe of the chickens we had to ceremoniously cut during Friday formal dinners ( flying chickens, we called them. Self explanatory), maybe of the many teachers we did harrass to tears, maybe of the many parties we had ( playing spirit of the coin in between classes), the endearing terminology we had for everyday life stuff..the many hantu stories we related to each other. Ah its time to sleep now...

Elly

Sunday at the office

I found myself having half an hour for breakfast and I stopped at Hoca's KLCC for coffee and ommellet. I read a newspaper. It reminded me of Kak yah s cafe in Kerteh where I would spend my friday mornings before going for pasar Tani. Her miniscule roti canai had the appeal of a paper napkin, in look and in taste. But there was the fresh sea air and the feeling of calm. While at Hoca's though, Wham's ( yes, George and Andy) Reflex was being played on the radio at the neighbouring Nando's and gave me a terrible headache.

So I left much of my breakfast n headed to office. Trying to work on a Sunday in a semi darkness with no airconditioning. Urghhhh...where is Belle, my exec who s sposed to accompany me with assignment today??? I desperately want to share my misery!

After reading Kak Puteri's many hantu blogs, I also feel a bit spooked as sometimes the printer in my office starts printing during maghrib when I knew that I was alone and man, I haven't been printing anything...

I had been busy these past couple of weeks. Drove to the east coast to meet my millionaire vendors and cracking my brain on how to make them even more successful.

Hey, Belle is here! Yoo hooo...back to work n she got the aircond started up by security!!!

Movie analysis

I ve been watching a few quality movies over Astro in the last couple of weeks. Most noteworthy is a series of zombie movies (hehe). The list begins with ,
1- Zombi kampung Pisang- caused by chemical spillage,
2- 28 weeks- caused by anger virus
3- The swarm- caused by military mutated wasps
4- I am legend- caused by some virus

These movies generally involve human eating zombies.My analysis is as follows ( had I were required to submit a feedback on these movies to my boss, these highly profound observations would be it) :-

1- Why don't these zombies eat one another? Why do they have to eat those who are still not infected?
2- Why is their diet not agro-based? Such as plants, grass and tree barks. In fact it would be quite interesting to see if zombies develop a liking towards eating stones for example, or sand or whatever.
3- Why do zombies develop only a desire to kill people? For suspense and thrill, I can think of a thousand alternatives but all of them escape my mind right now, so I cant (and won't) give any examples.

The conclusion is: I shall change the channel to 108 and will give another analysis of extremely incredible hindi movies I watch on Zee soon. :P

Slightly disturbed...

Zarith, Elly & Danial at ramadhan buffet.
“Mom, do you know remember the friend that I introduced you to, a few days ago? ”Yes, I remember, a girl who was going to submit her application to a boarding school despite the deadline. I met her when I went to my daughter’s school to sort out some problem with regards to her PMR exam. “She is going through what we went through before…”

Hmm…the father threw out his wife and kids in the middle of the night. The night before the daughter was going to sit for her PMR trial exam. They went out with just the clothes on their back. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, etc etc etc. Same old story. It’s been going on for years. Since the kids were small. It was not the first time but this time, the wife found a house elsewhere and the kids threatened to run away if she went back to their father again. Apparently he called and apologized.

But I hate recalling past events. It still affects me. It just makes me angry. Not at her husband but at her specifically. It takes courage to decide to leave. I did leave. I have made it. Her limitations are all in her mind. I had a lot of money but I felt poor. I was young and pretty, but I felt old and ugly. I was a good wife but nothing I did was enough. I blamed God when I should blame myself. God has given me brains, I didn’t use it. I fell hook line and sinker that a marriage should last forever, even if it killed me. I didn’t die for seven years, I didn’t live either. I woke up to find that I was alone with a baby and two toddlers, feeling like I had squandered my life away. I meant to conquer the world, travel, read books, learn new languages, had an exciting job, finally finish my doctorate. What happened to my dreams? What had happened to me?

Start over. It was liberating. I re-discovered myself. I found out that I am made of iron and mush. I ve changed some, I ve retained some. Look me in the eye, and you see that I am back to being happy. I climbed out from a horror house. I haven’t merely survived, I have triumphed in many ways.


It’s lack of self worthiness that makes many women demand less and less. Their expectations go lower and lower each day until they become nothing and meaningless to their husbands. They have lost their self respect. They deserve what they get ( or don’t get). They say it is Islam. Islam wants them to make that sacrifice. Make your husbands happy. Put their interests first before self. And marriage takes a lot of work to make it work

I have made a decision that I deserve respect and love and dignity. My life is precious . I say that what is not fair is not Islamic. My life , my feelings are just as important as the husband’s. I will fight for what I want even if it means I may hurt his feelings by expressing what I want. If he loves me enough he will understand. If it takes too much work to make a marriage work, I will say clearly that there should not be a marriage. End it. Don’t be stupid. As simple as that. Decide.

An experiment in self fulfilling prophecy..

Once I had a clerk who nobody wanted. He was a despatch guy promoted to be a clerk. He had a ponytail, looked and behaved like a teenager more at home riding a bike in the streets of KL. There were rumours he cheated on his overtime card and the boss wanted to get rid of him. He referred to himself as “gua” and to other people “lu”. Heck, he was not Chinese. That was just how young people talked in those days.

There was a reorganization, I was shorthanded and naturally, people gave him to me. I was not that worried, the bulk of my work could not be delegated anyway. But wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable staff? I thought. I could not complain because my executive was a delight. A fresh graduate who could act and think as well as a person who has been working for 7 years. She majored in economics from the Uni of London. She later was promoted every year after I left for Kerteh and now she holds a higher position than I do ( heck, that’s not necessary, everyone has higher position than I do!)

I sat down one day with him and got to know him. He was actually an interesting specimen to me. For the life of me, I had never encountered anyone like him. He came from a modest family, living with his parents in a KL flat. He had a quick way of talking and exuded an active personality. He would look at me , eyes wide, pleasant features and always grinning. Despite the rumours, I somehow thought he was an earnest and straight talking guy. After getting him to introduce himself, I began cautiously.

“ J, I m so glad to have you . I feel so excited with our new department. It’s like starting over. New boss new staff. I know Ms N didn’t like you , but hey, I don’t think she likes anyone! But still, with me you have a fresh new start.”I began, “Our dept is really important. All the products that the company produce, they ask us what is the best price for them to sell. Isn’t that incredible?”
“Yes, you are right, that ‘s an important job.”
“Yeah, that s why we should be proud to be in this department. In fact people who want to join, they have to take IQ test nowadays!”
We looked around us and true enough, that was a very select group of people that surrounded us.
“Did anyone ever give you a hard time, J?”
“Nahh…they are all nice people. Not snobbish at all.”he replied.
“Yeahh…I think so too. We are in the same division, we are a part of them. We are traders, analysts, specialists and whatnots. And you are not a clerk, remember that. You are my assistant price analyst.”
He looked visibly pleased. I was warming up to this artful manipulation.
“You know the reports you generate from the international price syndicates? Do you know who get it first?”
He was thinking hard. “You do!” he said triumphantly.

I shook my head.”Nahh..it’s you” .
In those days we had to have worldwide prices wired to us daily and somebody has to fetch the printouts, compile them for further review, analysis and final report to the president. He was really the first to read the prices.

He looked as if he had received some great revelation. I was quite enjoying myself. Ahhhh… so great…will this work?? Will it?

I talked a little bit more about how most of us were experts in our fields and it was almost as if he had been in a college. He could learn from everyone and, why, I was even a college lecturer ( for 3 months) before joining this company!

“There’s one thing I want you to do though, J.” I said finally, trying hard not to stretch his attention span.” I would be so pleased if you could have a good haircut and wear your tie. Is that ok with you?”

Next day he came looking like a million dollars. Gone was his pony tail and he wore a tie. He gradually lost his lu gua nomenclature and even during his off days he would come to the office and make sure that the price analysis be delivered onto my desk by 8 am. He went on to be the most sought after executive assistance until today…..Yeah…It works. Self fulfilling prophecy works. Many times.:) and I love it!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck

Back to the office n 14 minutes away from presenting a paper to a committee. Hopefully there will be no show off snobs who will ask me irrelevant questions. Grr...I hate this corporate world thingyyyy. Bila la laki aku nak kaya nih?? Tak tahan aku ngan big boss yg suka hilang ingatan tu. Kejap suruh mcm ni, kejap mcm tu. Eishhhh..Itu pun satu org yg agak self delusional. Not just "agak" but "teramat" self delusional. Hmm ngumpatlah pulak ni. Hehehe.

At home and feverish

Infected by a nasty bacteria, That's what my doc said last nite and here i am, thoughts all jumbled up and nose clogged n bored out of my mind. I was thinking of braving it to office and spreading the germs to my enemies, but the thought of the 15 minute walk from avenue k parking lot and up the 65th floor made me nauseous.

SELF DELUSIONAL

It’s been interesting to note that many people do suffer from self delusions. Time and time again, I recall one of my interesting classes in college. If I am not mistaken it is a Psychology class. There are three overlapping circles. The first circle is what a person defines and perceives himself to be, the other circle is what other people perceives this person to be and the last circle is what he, himself thinks other people think of him. The overlapping portion of the 3 circles embodies who one really is.

Of course, this is quite debatable. But still, it does make a lot of sense sometimes. I find myself checking once in a while if what I think I am is expressed in the way I act. I used to say that your life is like a book, you do not want to be a villain in your own life story. After a few years of soul searching and contemplation, I have coined another term for those who actually believe in this half baked philosophy. You can also have a debilitating “Heroine Syndrome” which makes you try to be the kindest, fairest, the most understanding, “don’t do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you” , the most honourable, the most polite, the most loving, the most generous etc. etc etc.

Evidently this grandiose notion would result in the so called heroine transforming herself into being “naïve”, a “pushover”, a “prude”, a”goody too shoes”, “self positioned pedestal inhabitant”, gullible, lurus-bendul etc. The impact being massive exploitation by almost everyone , encounters with many sob stories belonging to those with depleted bank accounts, especially vulnerable was about those who had some grouses with their spouses resulting from an incredible amount of empathy due to similar pathetic victimized life story.

So, if once I had trained myself to be quite contrary to my natural stinging instincts ( I am a true scorpio), I have already reverted back to my own true self. That means , if you kacau me, I will sting you very fast. Hehehe. As such, my new adage would be, Just don’t be a self deluded fool in your own life story.

I blame all these to reading a lot of religious books without proper guidance where one is always almost told to behave accordingly as a deen. Also being raised by boarding school wardens who never said anything to you in the whole of five years. . After a few years being counseled to be generous , I have been laughed at by the same person, who was one of the most trusted family member that I was foolish to have given my money away to people ( at her advice). I have not stopped crying inside since the last three years she said that. It’s hard to forgive and its hard to forget.

Ok lah, I am bitter, but trying not to be. In fact, fighting hard to be. After my divorce true colors of my own family reveal themselves, like a messy gaugauin masterpiece. It is also frightening that during this healing process any slight reminder of the many traits I had encountered before would trigger a lot of emotional backlash. Am I learning from my past mistakes or am I punishing the wrong people?
Btw, this is the beach near my dreamhouse in kerteh. I misssssssss it.

After raya blues

The photogenic mathematician
Finished the material for coaching my staff. Yeyyy! Feels so accomplished. I have been distracted lately. The works for the upcoming performance feedback session are stressing me up.

I have been reading up and doing a lot of research on of all things, human resource management!But still I wonder if I m doing the right things. Hubby is supposed to get some good pics for his company brochure today. He is sometimes very photogenic, unlike me, who s always pretty off camera,hehe. Perasan la tu..

Hmmm dah lah baju raya tahun ni hanya sepasang, lepas ni nak pegi office raya gathering, weekend ni nak pegi beraya nak pakai baju mana pulak ye? Eish.

Elly still doesnt call out Mama yet, which is ridiculous because she can call out to Daddy and Kakak.

And Kakak is breaking out in rash , poor thing, her PMR is just next week. Everytime I look at her I feel so much love and pride. Years really have passed, she was the baby I used to hold in my arms. I fell in love with her when she was born. I wrote a poem to her, cried the first day I left her at the nursery,smiling secretively in the office when I recalled her antics...now her PMR and gosh, I have not contributed much to her studies except paying for her tuition!

My lillies are blooming

Exactly 11 minutes before meeting with CEO. Some reorganization structure. My white lillies are blooming on my desk.The fragrance is heavenly. Crap, I need to leave this place soon, find a different position. My boss will leave next year and I will miss her too much. Ok, I love my boss, ok? Hee hee that sounds so gayyy. But seriously, she s marvellous. So when she goes away, so will I.

Finished the session, cracked some jokes with the boss who apparently had not much sense of humour. My hubby says wit is a sign of intellect, which i concur, hehe.
I need coffee.

At least yesterday I had some breather being away from the office. But that vendor needs a reality check. I find the whole set up rather exasperating. I wish my mediation session had a positive impact. It almost feels like a marital counselling! Tapi kembang juga sebab kena puji for mediating the session well. Hey, but of course, how could it be otherwise? Syok sendiri ke aku ni? Kena reality check jugak ke??Tapi tak boleh pecaya also coz you know how Arab people that can be effusive. En B gave us a warm welcome, with lontong and lemang after the meeting. It was sooo good, but alahh malu lah pulak nak makan banyak.What a character he was,quite a daredevil, bungee jumping, trekking across sahara n africa etc. He gave a personal tour of his personal life via the pics on the wall of his office room.

Hmm ada bini dua dia tuhhh...macam lah jugak in his business dah dua kali break off dengan principal. Reflects his character kot?